You may have seen a bit of hype lately about the Reformation. That’s because on 31st October (this past Tuesday) it was exactly 500 years since Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the Wittenberg Castle Church. Almost no one has actually read all the 95 Theses, as 95 is a lot and the language is difficult to understand, so I have decided to provide you with some of the highlights so you can be at least a little knowledgeable of Church history when you chat to your Christian nerd pals.
The Best of the 95 Theses
1. Jesus Christ willed that the whole life of the believer should be repentance.
2. Repentance does not mean sacramental penance, i.e. confession and satisfaction, which is administered by the priests.
3. Purgatory is not a thing.
4. No. It’s really not. Look in the Bible.
7. The Bible is pretty darn good.
8. Jesus is also pretty darn good.
9. Jesus is better than the Bible.
12. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than living in a garage makes you a car.
19. Han shot first.
21. The Holy Spirit is more powerful when keyboards are played.
22. These Theses are not an excuse for divorce, Henry.
30. The saying “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.” betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of how the universe works.
32. CH__CH what’s missing? You are.
33. Sorry. I meant UR.
34. It’s a pun. Get it?
35. Don’t worry.
38. Jeremiah 29:11 is not about you.
42. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.
56. When you say grace, do not sing it to the theme song of an old TV show or movie. It’s not cute.
62. The top of my head gets cold in winter.
65. The Pope chews with his mouth open. It’s disgusting.
76. Preachers should pray after their sermon to prevent anyone accidentally clapping them.
78. There are only two good reasons to leave a church, heresy and if you’re single and there are more single people at the other church.
81. All church cordial should be 1 part cordial to every 38 parts water.
87. Is anyone even reading this right now?
90. Brother Freddy still owes me 30 deutschmarks and a bread roll.
91. Bishops look silly in their hats.
92. Jesus forgives you, not a priest.
93. You can’t earn or buy your righteousness. Jesus achieved it for you. That’s the point. I know I got distracted but I think that’s important.
94. The most distinguished of all theses are those with 95 theses. Not 94. Not 96. 95 is the perfect number.
95. That’s all folks. Amen.
Ok, so most of that’s not true. Almost all of them are not theses in the 95 Theses. If you want to read the actual 95 Theses you can Google them. We tend not to get past the first one because most of them are about indulgences, purgatory and church authority in Martin Luther’s particular context. They’re discussing issues we aren’t dealing with today. But as far as I know, we aren’t dealing with them today, whether we’re Catholic or Protestant because of Martin Luther and his fellow reformers. Thanks, Marty!