On Saturday, Emily and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. I had been hoping to make a bigger deal of the event but Em is in the middle of exams which would just make too much celebrating stressful. We did, however, go to the Rain Room which is an art installation in St Kilda where you stand in a large room full of fake rain with sensors in the ceiling to make sure the rain doesn’t fall on you. It’s like the opposite of those cartoons where a character has a rain cloud just over their head. We also ate cheese for dinner.
Despite not doing much for our anniversary I did think to myself ‘I could write a really romantic blog post’. Every year around our anniversary I have the same thought, but I rarely manage anything. Two years ago I wrote about the things I’ve learnt through marriage and that’s the only other post I’ve done. Once again I haven’t managed the super romantic post, but I am going to provide you all with some really practical, hard-won advice for having a great marriage (though you can apply many of these tips for success to most relationships – boyfriend/girlfriend, friend/friend, boss/employee, US President/Ukrainian President).
One: If your wife’s name is Emily, don’t call her Emma
It turns out wives like to be called by the correct name.
Two: Cling to the conviction that your own farts are always funny, but your spouse’s are disgusting
This is one of the few times where double standards are acceptable.
Three: Learn how to make coffee, even if you don’t drink it
As the sayings go ‘Caffeinated wife, happy life’ and ‘Coffeed husband, blah, blah, wusband!’
Four: Be your partner’s biggest cheerleader
Except when it comes to their farts, then be your own biggest cheerleader.
Five: Keep an up to date database of films and TV shows under embargo
Just because you haven’t watched Jessica Jones in over 18 months doesn’t mean you’re allowed to watch it by yourself yet.
Six: Be so biased about how good your spouse looks that you’re useless at giving fashion advice
You: ‘You look great!’
Spouse: ‘This top has vomit stains on it.’
You: ‘But you know how to make it work!’
Seven: Instagram polls are a good way to build engagement with your followers but a bad way to decide things like whether a new TV is a legitimate way to spend the money you’ve been saving for a house deposit
They’re also bad for anything concerning fertility.
Eight: Marriage books won’t teach you about meme etiquette but you ignore it at your own peril
For instance, never leave memes from your spouse unread, or worse – read and unreacted to. Also, if you see a meme you know your spouse will appreciate, you are obliged to share it with them.
Nine: Tell your partner you love them regularly
Turns out saying ‘I love you’ is not a once and done event. It should happen at least at birthdays, anniversaries, and whenever Donald Trump tweets.
Ten: Bluey, the kids’ TV show about a family of dogs, is actually pretty good
Okay, that’s not really a marriage tip. But check it out – it’s a good show and each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can binge-watch five episodes and still feel like a functional human being.
There you go, friends. If I’ve just saved your marriage, you can thank me by sending cash or Lord of the Fries gift-cards. Watch now as the publishing houses beat down my door to write the next bestselling book on marriage.
Also, Emily, if you’re reading this, I love you, happy anniversary and can you pick up some milk on the way home?
On a completely different note, did I mention I have a new book out? Get it for free here: tomfrench.com.au/ttds
Or get my other book Weird, Crude, Funny, and Nude here: tomfrench.com.au/wcfn