Ok so January is mostly done (well, a third done at least) and by now you’ve probably not managed to keep your resolutions. But don’t worry, they were dumb anyway.

I half-heartedly made one resolution this year. I thought “I might try and do one of those one second everyday videos”. By 3rd January, I remembered I hadn’t filmed a second on the 2nd. But then I realised, those videos are so passé. And too long, like seven minutes. Who has seven minutes to watch my life? So I’m actually glad I didn’t waste a second every day filming my life, it was a dumb idea. Think how much free time I’ll have now that I’m not committed to that?

Were you the person who decided to run every day, and you’ve only done two runs this year? Did you know that running is terrible for your knees? Yeah, it is. What were you thinking? Making a New Year’s resolution to destroy your knees is absurd. Good thing you figured it out so early on. Future You thanks you.

Remember the diet you stuck to till last Thursday? Yeah, lucky you didn’t keep up with that. Food is important for community building, you would have spent the year saying “Sorry, I’m on a diet.” Dieting is just saying “I hate community. I hate people.” But now you’ve sobered up, it’s great to know that you’re gonna keep eating cake for the sake of friendships, new and old.

Remember how you were going to make a budget, and start saving more? But now you’ve already spent more than you planned to spend for all of January, and raided those savings you put away. That, in fact, was a wise move. Money is there to be spent. Do a survey in your mind of people you know with budgets and savings, now think about people you know who just spend money as it comes in. You know what you just noticed? People with savings are boring, people who spend money are fun. You’re a fun person, that’s why you can’t save. Obviously, you made a mistake trying to tame your true self. You spend your money – you be you.

I don’t know what other resolutions you’ve made and broken. But don’t worry, it was for the best. I promise. Resolutions are about fighting the inertia of your life, inertia is physics. Do you really want to be the person fighting the laws of physics? I don’t think so. See, your resolutions were dumb, as dumb as destroying gravity, disproving light, or silencing sound. When you break your resolutions you’re not giving up, you’re embracing truth. You’re choosing not to live the lie that January 1 is any different from December 31.

Good on you for choosing to no longer pursue the arrogance of change, the folly of improvement, and the stupidity of hope. As the great saying goes, “Shoot for the moon, if you miss you’ll get stuck circling the earth, before burning up in earth’s atmosphere due to orbital decay.” Your resolutions were dumb anyway.

Weird, Crude, Funny, and Nude: The Bible ExposedIf you’ve enjoyed this, but want something that’s not so depressing, you might like my book, Weird, Crude, Funny, and Nude: The Bible Exposed. Get it from me, or from Amazon, iBooks, and more.