You might have never read the Bible, you might have been reading the Bible your whole life. Chances are, whoever you are, there are books of the Bible you’ve never read. In this post, I’m going to outline some of the books of the Bible that have been very influential on the life of the church but which remain virtually unknown to many of us today.
The Book of Meetings
Right after the book of Numbers, this book outlines many important meetings that the Israelites had during their time in the wilderness. Often these were to vote on finances, tent maintenance, and where exactly the camp toilet should be located. Midway though the book is the story of Harhaiah who is a stickler for the rules. Harhaiah is often holding the leaders of Israel to account by repeatedly referring back to the bylaws, till God strikes him dead. The Israelites spend a lot of the book grumbling about how unnecessary the meetings are, suggesting that most points could have been covered in a stone tablet instead. In one chapter Moses decides not to hold a meeting, the Israelites complain that they weren’t consulted and God kills 18,000 of them.
The Book of Calvin
In this book the ancient Saint Calvin and his band of mighty warriors Saint Luther, Saint Cranmer, and Saint John Piper go to battle against the wishy-washy but surprisingly tenacious Arminius and his band of volunteers and women preachers who have all chosen, by their own free will to fight alongside him. The battle is fierce, worldwide, and mostly ignored the majority of the world. Saint Calvin seems to be getting the upper hand in battle till the unexpected rise of a new younger warrior with glasses, known only as Rob Bell. While Calvin and his team try many tactics to eliminate him, including a move known as “Farewelling”, Rob Bell continues to fight by writing books and being an excellent communicator.
The last chapter of this book has been lost so no one knows how the battle ended. As a result the battle continues to rage in the church today and the rest of the world continues not to care.
Incidentally, in this book there is a seemingly random chapter outlining the rules for Christian dating. Most scholars think this chapter was originally from the book of Daniel.
Book of Worship
This book is the story of when Jesus’ disciple Bartholomew had an encounter with God on Song Hill. In a great vision Bartholomew is taught that God is best worshipped in songs with three chords and a killer bridge, and these must be sung by people wearing very tight jeans. While Bartholomew begins the encounter broken and hurting within, his good, good father kicks down a door and calls him out upon the waters. This leaves Bart feeling a bit confused, but strangely satisfied. During his vision he is ministered to by an elf named Tomlin who makes his living polishing antiques.
At the end of the story Bartholomew descends the hill and visits the town of Bethel and meets a group of people who have been singing one song for 27 years. Bartholomew’s allergies flare up as he happens to be allergic to gold dust.
The Book of Festivals
In this book God outlines many of the important festivals that his people are to celebrate. Some of the festivals outlined are:
The Festival of Edible Houses
This is a day held in December each year where women and children without babysitters gather together to make houses out of gingerbread. All the women of the church invite their neighbours to make an edible house with them while a female elder explains sin and the birth of Jesus to the neighbours.
The Festival of Youth Camp
Once a year all the young people are to travel to the wilderness for two nights and two days. This festival is one long ceremony involving teaching, singing, games with eggs and spam, and everyone swimming with t-shirts on. All the young people are to flirt and get overly emotional on the last night.
The Festival of Men’s Breakfasts
For one morning every season the older men are to gather and cook breakfast together while hearing wisdom from a local business leader. The older men are to complain that the younger men aren’t there.
The Table of Sins
The Table of Sins is not a book but a spreadsheet that the Apostle Paul made which should be found in the book of 2 Corinthians but is often left out because Paul was using an ancient version of Excel which is no longer compatible with most operating systems. In the table Paul makes clear that there absolutely are some sins that are worse than others. Sexual sin is very high up the list, but it is surprisingly beaten in seriousness by voting for the wrong political party. Also high on the list are women wearing revealing clothing, and anyone being unhappy for more than three consecutive days. Low on the list are greed, coveting, destruction of the environment, and wearing Christian t-shirts outside of Christian events.