Easter is definitely the sad cousin to Christmas. At least in terms of holidays. I’m not talking about the whole Jesus birth vs his death and resurrection thing. I just mean in terms of religious holidays Easter has way less cool traditions. Where is the crass commercialisation of Easter? Of course, there are the chocolate eggs, and they’re great, but Christmas has presents, and parties, and meals, and trees, and lights, and carols, and mistletoe, and movies that aren’t about the torture and execution of the only good man that ever lived. You see what I mean? Christmas destroys Easter when it comes to traditions.

In light of this, I thought I might suggest a few new traditions and crass commercialisations that we could add to Easter so that it can have a running chance against Christmas, that behemoth of all western religious holidays.

1. Cash

Lots of non-western cultures give cash gifts at weddings, coming-of-age ceremonies, and new year. The Chinese even give dead people cash (but it’s not real cash because they’re dead, what are they going to do with it?). When do white people get cash except when their uninspired single uncle couldn’t be bothered to buy them a present?

Somehow we need to make Easter the cash holiday. I’m not exactly sure how to do it. I just want to find a way for me to receive lots of cash without having to give much.

Perhaps on Sunday morning after getting eggs kids should dress as rabbits and walk the neighbourhood handing out envelopes full of cash to people who don’t have kids. It would be teaching kids that it is better to give than receive. They have received eggs so now they must hand out Mum and Dad’s cash to childless neighbours. While I currently don’t have kids, this seems like a great idea. And if this got instituted I would perhaps never have kids for the yearly babyless bonus. It would solve the overpopulation issue and the sadness we childless feel at getting to sleep in on weekends and not being able to attend endless children’s birthday parties.

2. Burning Cars

Explosions are pretty great. What if there was a way we could include explosions into Easter? Perhaps every Good Friday night in every suburb a car could be set on fire and then rolled down a steep hill into a specially built temporary house and then blown up. Each community could compete to have the most elaborate course for the car to run and largest fireball. I’m not sure what this tradition would represent, perhaps it could be a celebration of our firefighters, both professional and volunteer. Everyone loves firefighters so I think this is a tradition we could all get behind.

3. Take Away Feasts

Everyone loves the feasts at Christmas but no-one loves the cooking. At Easter, I propose that we have 3 days straight of feasting, but all of it must be takeaway food. This would prevent the cooking fatigue that besets the family chefs of the nation in late-December every year and stimulate the takeaway food economy. Also, if the government keeps cutting penalty rates the food might not be too expensive. We could eat take away to remember that Jesus came to take away our sins. I know it’s a terrible link, but it’s at least as good as Christmas’ claim that “presents are good but the best present is Jesus.”

4. The Easter Bunny Make-Over

Let’s be honest, the Easter bunny is pretty lame. How much do we know about him/her anyway? Compared to Santa, nothing. Where does this bunny live? Who is the bunny married too? How does the bunny make and deliver all these eggs? Why do bad children still get eggs, and where is the Bunny’s implicit moral fear-mongering? Do you see what I’m saying? The Easter bunny is a ghost.

I propose a make-over for the bunny. What if the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are married? As an interspecies marriage they cannot have kids, so they have chosen to give the gift of chocolate eggs to children in memory of all their unfertilized eggs. Hense why children give cash to people without children after receiving their eggs, to honour the childless Bunny and Fairy. But here’s the kicker, only good kids get eggs, the bad ones get visited by the tooth fairy’s angry older brother who will rip out the bad children’s teeth while they sleep – that’s so much scarier than coal in a stocking. If this was the Easter Bunny’s story that rabbit would totally be better than Santa by far.

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I know that this has pretty much nothing to do with the death and resurrection of Jesus but these ideas would actually be giving a gift to preachers all over the world. They could now preach twice a year about “the real meaning” of a holiday. That’s two sermons a year already prepared, twice more than they currently have.

Sadly, I doubt anyone is going to take my suggestions seriously. I’ll just have to be content with going to church on Friday and quietly contemplating the fact that the God-man died so that sinful humans might have total forgiveness and peace with God without one explosion, then going back on Sunday, cashless, and celebrating that the same God-man came back to life showing that we too might overcome death in him. Forgiveness, love and life. Easter is pretty good, but if anyone adds take-away food and a few controlled explosions, I won’t complain.